I often talk about how much I hated driving in California, but sometimes traversing the streets of New York on foot can be similarly frustrating. While walking down Amsterdam Avenue yesterday evening, fresh off an embarrassingly short run in the park, I made note of some of the major impediments to getting from point A to point B:

1. Guys in flip-flops

When the weather's nice and you're in an area filled with bars and restaurants, the streets are littered with overgrown frat boys who are apparently unaware that their minimalist footwear causes them to shuffle down the sidewalk like elderly ducks. Because these guys are rarely without their "bro"s, there is often a cadre of these doofuses blocking the entire sidewalk, four or five abreast.

2. Nuzzling couples

Only the extremely talented can walk and chew their girlfriend's face at the same time.

3. Cell phone zombies

The ability to walk (or drive) with a cell phone varies dramatically from person to person. For instance, you might see a middle aged man in the midst of a screaming fit ("let me speak to your supervisor!") blasting down the avenue with no navigational impairment. Meanwhile, a lady jabbering about picking up Justin and Chloe from piano practice weaves lazily up and down the sidewalk like a gimpy turtle chewing on an ether-soaked rag.

4. The peripherally-challenged

These are the people who make me wonder if I've left the house wearing my invisibility cloak. It doesn't matter if it's a crowded sidewalk, or I'm the only one on the block, but there will always be someone who decides that the perfect time to move from the storefront to the curb is the very moment I'm passing them. I want to scream "I walking here!" but then I remember I'm shy.

5. Proto-peripherally-challenged

These are the Muppet Baby versions of number 4: uncoordinated tykes who have been encouraged to sprint down city streets with wobbly abandon, but haven't been taught how to avoid running into fire hydrants, dogs, and grown men who think children are complete idiots.

6. Hernán Cortés de stúpido

It pretty much goes without saying that when you're in any sort of traffic, whether you're on the Indy Car circuit or pulling a sled in Alaska (you dog), you can't come to a dead stop without getting rear-ended. For some reason, visitors to New York think there's an exception when it comes time to study the cartoon map/place mat they got for free at the hotel front desk (don't panic; the Statue of Liberty is not to scale!). Meanwhile, I have to move like Fred Astaire on a quadruple espresso to avoid doing a faceplant into some Midwestern fatso's sweaty back.

7. Uneven sidewalks

And finally, just to prove my beef isn't just with humanity (unless you count municipal government as such), I'm convinced New York's budget for sidewalk repair is somewhere between that for subway rat removal, and hobo urine deodorizer. Every time I leave the house, I'm using every last bit of my minuscule brainpower trying to avoid tripping over gnarly tree roots, crumbly curbs, and cracks that are essentially miniature cliffs. I'm not sure how little old ladies (not to mention frat boys in flip-flops) manage to survive on our third-world-style walkways-o-death.

Other than that, walking around New York is a lot of fun. Tell your friends!